Inner Heartfelt Peace

Alright!!!! Yeah!! Go Ninja! ¬†He’s slowly starting to exit Weenie Roast. The concert we went to May 16th. At least he caught the light show last night! Happy 4th of July!image image image

It’s a bitch to get out of concerts, so many people leaving at the same time. I mean May 16th, it is July 6th. Totally makes sense. Muse and Florence the Machine were awesome!

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I like to try to add humor to all seriousness in life. You can’t change the circumstances anyway. But you can change how you feel. Actually let me rephrase that, you decide what positions you put yourself in knowing how it will make you feel. I have made a decision to help my friend who has has helped me tremendously and still wants to. I see it now. I was just like that. I’m a step ahead for once! Ha ūüėČ

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I opened up myself, accepted and forgave and moved on. With love. To people who has hurt me. There is an inner peace that can be found. It’s hard to get there, took me years of meditation and figuring out how to live in the present.

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I told our beloved Ninja the other day, to come with me for a walk. Took him to sit on top of a golfcourse. Pretty much a 360 view of his stomping grounds since birth. Beautiful. Quiet. Blinking lights. Perfect homes. On the outside. I said let’s sit here. Look around you. And listen. 15 minutes was what I asked for. In silence. Ninja lasted for less than a minute. He’s getting there. He’s up to almost three minutes now.

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Point is, you will never find that serenity if you have to keep occupying your mind with the past and the future. He is angry and will not talk to certain people ever again. That is Not the answer. The answer to a joyful life is within You, and once you figure out how to open up and be free, those people won’t matter so much and you will be able to look at them with love. Talk about freedom. To be able to be you and not so affected by people around you. Inner peace.

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We are all human. With different super powers. Some Ninjas. Some spiritual. Some radiate more love than others. Some smarter than others. Whatever your gift is, embrace it, and spread it with Love, Laughter and Life.

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Much Love. Sleep well <3

 

Getting in Tune

Getting in tune, to open up, can seem impossible. If you even know what that is. So many are angry at one another. I was raped when I was in my early 20’s. Drugged and not by just one dude. And I¬†thought I was going to an afterparty. It was for them I guess. Being a naive Scandinavian kid, I thought they were my friends. And my roommate got mad at me for fucking the Love of her Life. I did what you seen in the movies. Sat in the shower and never spoke about it.

I knew them. I thought I let it happen. I know now that it was totally fucked up. They USED a scarred, lonely girl from Sweden for fun in their mansions. Do people like this not care? I mean at least pick a girl who’s not already beaten down. I guess that would be more of a challenge though.

Looking back, I got so much anger. I still do in a way. They fucked up my life. Instead of friendship and being nice, they used and abused me 😔 I wasn’t even sure if it was normal or not. So I never did anything. I didn’t have a “normal” childhood. I figured I was a fun party girl. I realize now, why I have some scars that has left traces in my personality.

I decided to go after them. I said fuck it. And drove by the house on Canon Dr in Beverly Hills for the first time in about 15 years. It made me shiver. Ugh. Wonder how many of me there are. Suffering in silence, feeling violated and wondering “Why, what did I do to deserve this too?” Assholes.

But then I heard the son of the owner of the house has a wife and kids and they are happy as can be. I looked at my kids. “Fuck it. If his kids are happy why tear up that family for something that happened so long ago?” ¬†I of course had a crush on the guy. I am going to leave it be. It’s not going to change how I feel, just damage a family. Maybe some day I will get a well deserved apology. If not, I will have to live with it and keep telling myself that it was not my fault and stop wondering why they stopped caring about me. My innocence pisses me off. I was so clueless. And now it’s haunting me. Something they never think about, but I do almost every day.

Funny how you can affect someone’s life and never acknowledge how you made them feel. It’s like throwing a plate on the floor. The one throwing it won’t think about it. But the glued plate will never be the same.

 

The Broken Soul

Ninja, homeboy, comes “home” to check his work, if you recall his office is in my garage. I gave him the keys. Next thing I know, my car and he is gone. Poof. Ninja did it again. Damn the motherfucker is fast. I can’t believe I trusted him. Again. Fuck. Not only do I fear for his life but there are people out there that can get killed by a drunk driver. I was resistant, but again, I get to talk to the police. Make, model, license plate. They are on it. Looking for him. Peekaboo.

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I found him, I would make a good detective. But then again it’s not so hard outsmart a drunk. Raise your hand if you ever been drunk and thought¬†you were the smartest, most clever, superhero when intoxicated. Raising both my hands!! Guilty! Been there done that!! “No one can outsmart me, I’m a fucking genius.”

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Different hotel. Different day. Meet up with the folks, let’s get these car keys. Just as we got there he was going to hide the car. Winning!!! We beat you to it. Now hand us the keys. No ninja moves. As he walked away, I felt a pain raidiating that I couldn’t shake off. A broken, lonely person, looking for love in the most wrong way.

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I can’t shake it off. I call, I text. Something very bad is going to happen. Ninja doesn’t care about being alive. What can I do? Kids could use some fun at a 5 star hotel. Kids, let’s go swimming! All smiles. Alls good. But I see the pain behind those sunglasses. A ¬†shattered person just so lost and tense. A ticking bomb.

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I suggest, a movie and dinner in the room. Yeah yeah, call me crazy. I sit outside, under the full moon, and break the barrier. He said some ugly things, tried everything to get rid of me, but once you manage to put feelings aside and talk and listen, it’s not impossible to reach a person who stopped caring about his life. The focus is on his hurt and not yours.

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I was right. He doesn’t care about being alive. Not under my watch dude. ¬†It’s easy to drink and hurt people, be left alone and given yet another reason to continue on until you don’t have the strength anymore and the courage is to end the pain. Whatever the pain is. But it is one broken soul that I reached somehow. “Everything will be okay. In time. Relax. Breathe. Look around you. Let go of the tension. Stop running away from those demons. They will catch you. Fight them. Whatever it is. Deep breaths” -you do love me? “Of course I do. I have known you for 17 years and I am one stubborn bitch. Cry it out. One thing at a time. Let’s start w getting you out of this cycle. It will be a painful detox, but forget about everything else for now” -But my office, my parents, you guys, I hurt you. ¬†“That is nothing to think about right now. Let’s get you back, and then figure out what step two is”

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Such a broken soul that needs some healing to get back on his journey called life. Kill with kindness. Even if you have been hurt. Now that’s love if you ask me. The future doesn’t matter. Focus on the now. And he did. He listened.

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I’m sleeping on the chair. I don’t mind. Not now. My friend, one of my soulmates, needs help and this is what I can and need to do. Next chapter is around the corner for all of us. I have my “gut” feeling of how it will be. This storm will end and the sun will shine and our lives will move on their own journey. But that’s tomorrow. Sleep well¬†¬†image image ¬†image

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mother Nature

Big Bear was absolutely amazing. It was a wake up call in so many ways. Especially this one evening that turned out to be one of the most spiritual I have ever experienced. The power of silence and nature can truly baffle you. Hearing windpipes but there is no wind and searching for them, there are none. Walking through the forest and feeling plants and grass dance with you. We were both a little shocked but the moment was so powerful that it didn’t matter.

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Mother Nature.

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One day I barely moved from the patio chair. Just sat there, clearing my head. The day of that powerful evening. Next day I had an energy I can’t describe. I felt so much lighter. I switched my playlist from sad to happy. I was back. Before we were leaving I walked up that hill. I quietly said “mother nature show me a sign that I am doing the right thing here, show me thunder or lightning”. Well it didn’t happen. Until we stepped out of the car in Newport Beach. Literally. Thunder and lightning in Newport Beach end of June. No joke. Coincidence? I don’t know.

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I went to check out our house before bringing the kids home. What I saw was the most disappointing thing I have ever seen. Like a frat house. What the fuck man??? I gave you 5/6 hours heads up that we are coming?! I guess drunks really have no clue. Pizza on the floor, all windows closed. The stank was unbearable. Would you get pissed? I was furious. How the Fuck can you disappoint children like this?!!!! He punches me in the face and walks out. To a hotel again. I take some deep breaths and clean up some of the mess. I’ve been cleaning all day and I just finished downstairs.

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Decided to do some laundry. Do you believe in the higher power and signs? When we moved I had ONE request; a laundry machine and dryer in the unit. Today it broke as I was washing his clothes. (Yes, I’m too nice.) It completly broke filled with water in it. Had handyman come over to check; it is broken. Never had a problem before. So is Mother Nature or Universe showing me the signs I asked for?

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I tear up and start bawling, continuing to clean and just thinking how scary the unknown is. “Knock knock. Who’s there? Newport Beach police” Really? I think in the past two months I have gotten to know them all. Open door “Hi Nadja! Reid called and said you are crazy and he is worried about the kids” As he looked a little embarrassed. C’mon in officer. I point to ¬†the patio and say “I’m packing up his stuff” He said “Good. I’m so so so sorry. BUT you have to stop smoking” Like a kid I was explaining how I usually don’t smoke.

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CHAOS. A Big Huge Thank you to the Newport Beach Police Department for being Discreet, Supportive, Nice and Understanding. I’m in the storm but people say it will settle and the sun will shine brighter than ever before.

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I have over 3000 thousand comments to read but I hear that I lost some of my audience due to lack of selfies 🙈 So, here you go. Goodnight. Yes, matching ūüėČ Beautiful night. Wishing you sweet dreams :)

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Once an Alcoholic, ALWAYS an Alcoholic

This is something that can not be forgotten. Dealing with an alcoholic IS a life long battle. It will NEVER go away. Oh the countless times throughout the years when I’ve heard “I’m done. This can never happen again. What the Fuck was I thinking??? I PROMISE you, I will NEVER hurt you like this again.” The countless times when I’ve said “Ok, this time I will leave it be, but if it happens ONE more time, I’m leaving you” The first time ¬†was 6 fucking years ago. After a while, sadly you get used it. You get used to the CHAOS. You tell your friends, they get annoyed, thinking, not again, I can’t deal with this bullshit. And they are right, I have to do something. But then he sobers up, brings you flowers, buys you presents, makes you feel sorry for him somehow. And I Love the guy. The hope inside your heart lights up and you think, “okay he is serious this time”

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And that’s what happened today. High hopes that he would be getting better.¬†It’s an emotional rolloaster. I can live with it. But the kids CAN NOT. Hi, today I love you, tomorrow I don’t.

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Your ego is your unconscious brain of survival. It will tell you the story you need to hear to survive the story you are living. It trips you up and makes you believe or not see your chaos. Your ego is not your truth. It is what the human is ‘ taught to identify with” ! Its’s not your truth. Your essential spirit which you are born with is.

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We are taught to dis- identify with our essential truth and tap into the ongoing conversation of our mind. The words and actions that our parents, from birth through words and actions fed us through life. We, as  children learned these truths about who we are by what they showed, taught and made us believe.

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If you believe in science. And what the scientists say. The past does not exist (any more), nor does our future ( it has not happened yet.. So why the fear?). The fear is based on the story we WE THINK WE DESERVE!!)

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All that really and truly exists is THIS PRESENT MOMENT. Right here. Right now. Sitting with my friend in truth. Kids Happy. Me Happy. All is GOOD IN THIS PRESENT MOMENT. What happens in the next minute, hour or week Is the STEPS and ACTIONS I TAKE. Which are no easy choices. Each step and choice determines my outcome of how MY future unfolds. I hold the key to my story.

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I know my truth. I know what needs to be done. I need to step out of my ego and wounded story and become the whole wholesome person that I am.

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Last night I pick up Ninjas voicemails and texts and before I know it know it am stepping right back into the chaos.

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Back at detaching. With Love.

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Detaching with Love

Love. Love can be expressed in many ways. You can Love even if it hurts. Loving someone, is doing what is right for them. Even if it hurts you. Strange equation isn’t it? Love is supposed to be positive and make you feel good. I think that Love is an act of unselfishness. We are all different. Accept someone for who they are is Love. And do what is best for the person that you Love. Even if it means giving up your idea of that persons life. You. Can’t. Control. People.

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Well. He’s back. He is FINALLY sobering up. Weenie roast is over!!!! Must have been a heck of a concert. I don’t ask questions but I’m tempted to ask what bands he saw.

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Loving is caring. Sometimes it’s harder receiving than giving. Just kidding!! It’s always easier to give. Receiving makes you vulnerable. Today I tore down my wall and said ok, fine, I will take it. And here I am. In a cabin in the mountains, surrounded by nature, ¬†with an amazing person who will just listen and not judge. Only problem is, there is only one bathroom. It’s downstairs, by her bedroom and the walls are thin. I’m not a ninja.

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People seem to wonder if I’m an addict. Yes. Yes I am. I am addicted to the addict. Substances? I have a dependency but that is not a problem. It’s a solution. I have severe anxiety and ADD. I wasn’t able to get out of the house nor make a phone call. Panic attacks were a part of everyday life. If you have ever had one, you know. Rumors spread fast. Party gal with the pills. Ever thought of that maybe I don’t want to share my life story to tell the reason? Don’t judge a book by it’s cover, if you can open the book and read it, then please do, if not, don’t judge and leave it be.

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Here I am. In complete serenity and peace picking my brain for an answer to the next step. My littles are snoring. Beauties. They want him back. He wants to make things right and stay with us. “Why would you take that asshole back?!” Those are people that don’t know better. The right question would be “are you going to be able to live with his life long battle and disease?” I don’t know. Right now I don’t have an answer. All I know is that something big is happening. I’m detaching from my past. With Love. And that’s huge. One day at a time.

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Thank You <3

I am beyond overwhelmed by the outpouring of comments! I want to answer each and everyone of you! I am packing up to go for some relaxing time in nature, piece and quiet with the littles and an amazing inspiring woman, a friend.  Some distance to the madness will be what we need.

Dance recital was amazing. He made it ūüėČ

Much love ‚̧ԳŹ

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Addicted to the Addict

I am sincerely overwhelmed by the friends I have out there. To be found on Yahoo news just sharing your thoughts and life, I’m not the only one. It’s a rocky road this Journey we call Life.

So what happened next? I like to believe in the benefit of the doubt.

He asked to have the littles at the pool today at his hotel. He sounded very sober and clear so I said fine. I get there with two VERY excited kids and he is a No show. I see the kids tear up. I said let’s have lunch and maybe he will show. What do you think? Still No. Screw him. I sit by the pool in my black jeans and and high wedges too make my kids happy. Oh and then there he is! At 5ish. Fuck off. Really?! I wanted to put a floaty on him. The girl from Switzerland next to me said she’d just push him in. *giggles* I think it would be way funnier if he walked around a crowded pool with floaties. Every time he got out of the pool, he couldn’t find me. It’s a maze. I was not the only one laughing.

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He asks the kids to spend the night at the hotel, I say, No, and now I’m the bad guy. Best part is when he checks out my tab and says “you stole this credit card from me” I wanted to punch him in the face. I look around and see people shaking their heads. Smiling at me, to check am I ok? I whispered, he’s just a drunk. And everyone nodded. So we all get that a drunk is a drunk. They suck. They make you addicted to them. You want to save them. Addicted to the addict and everything he does. Even if you laugh at them, your heart bleeds for them. It’s sad.

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He comes here. It’s my 3 year olds dance recital tomorrow, NO FUCKING WAY you will choose booze over that. See, that’s one thing I don’t understand. How you can hurt children. Hurt me as much as you want. I guess that’s addiction. Guilty again! I have chased him with the kids and tried to get him better. Literally driven around looking for him. Addicted to the addict.

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He literally just stood here screaming, oh sorry, not screaming, he’s a loud talker, saying that I need to learn how to make money. “I’m getting a 10k check tmw and what do you get? Nothing! That’s because I know how to make money and you are like a 12 year old” Am I upset? Not really. Not upset, hurt, would be more like it. I’m raising two beauties while dealing with him. I think I’m pretty damn strong. Physically for sure. Ninja Turtle.

Lesson of the day. Don’t¬†trust or count on a drunk, no matter how much you want to. And do not engage, it’s not him, alcohol is one powerful thing. Beats this lady bug. And I’m a persistent motherfucker. That’s why he hates me now. I know every trick in “their book”.

And then I drink it 😂

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Alcoholic Ninja becoming Ninja Turtle?

You know how I said that every drunk is a ninja. I swear. You can watch every step they take and suddenly you go “what the fuck he’s drunk?” HOW???

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Well our Loved¬†Ninja is becoming a Ninja Turtle. To me turtles are slow and can’t get off their backs. And not so bright. No super hero here. He did a¬†great job breaking into the house this evening and walking into the bedroom. Luckily kids were asleep. But seriously, have you met me? No. You haven’t. Just don’t break in announced. Really. My little ladybug powers will break out. Head first. Out that door. I kicked, well a combo between that and threw, him out. As he was screaming “husband abuse, husband abuse!” Lights off, sleep well. I’m his worst nightmare now. Boy has the tables turned? ūüėČ

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I actually was nice enough to say “Tell me the truth and you can come sleep”. Well, the pocket dials were movies. And he took an uber for 21 minutes to buy alcohol to hide? Hide from what? The ninjas following him? Alcoholics lie. Bottom line. It is really difficult to see someone like this. It’s even harder to Love. Because you KNOW, it is not him. Wish I could be an alcoholic for 7 weeks living large and then say “I have no clue what happened” and people will feel sorry for you. And not only that, it’s not your fault. NDamn, I do it for one night and I’m the worst most irresponsible bitch in the world. And then he checks in to the nicest facility ¬†nearby, fed Valium, and relax. K, I’m done. Let me out I need a drink. Poor guy.

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I’ll be honest, I’m worried sick. But he IS a grown up, and I have to watch out for the littles and not him. I’m sure he’s out there having a ball blaming me for his credit cards being maxed out. Poor baby. His office is in my garage. I wonder if he even knows? I mean, EVERYONE around here knows what a bitch I am and that my sunglasses were $500, many purses +1000, watch, shoes (still didn’t get my valentinos back), clothes, face. Thank you hunny! Unfortunately you can’t screw items, but they might help you along¬†way to get there. Someone will watch my face ūüėČ Winning!

At some point, your body will let you down and fail and your celebrations will be Your others funeral. Wouldn’t be the first time I’ve seen it. Hope you are well. My prayers are with you.

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The Higher Power

Have you ever looked for a simple thing such as candles and opened that box about a million times? And suddenly you find something you have been looking for for years? Was I blind? Did I not want to see it?

I did. I swear it wasn’t there for years. Until today. It brought back a feeling of who I used to be. I found a few things. Put them where they belong. Like a puzzle. Pieces coming together. Is life a puzzle? Or was I ready for it today? I had some real friends over today. And they can vouch for it, as we spoke about it, the music turned off and my phone fell. The look on our faces was priceless.

So was this because we as a group have the channel to the unknown? Not even knowing it. I don’t know. It happened twice. We left the conversation and it didn’t happen again. Very strange. When your phone moves and it’s not on vibrate and no one is calling you. I love the universe, I think we should listen more.

Since I read those diaries, things started to fall in place. Did I have to open my heart to the past to move on? Can’t stay there and stomp. I don’t know. But I accepted my past and my life changed.

I think I have been looking in the wrong boxes.. I’ve looked through his a gazillion times to find evidence on something I already knew. What torture, why see something you know is happening and like he’s not good enough to hide?

I forgot to look through my boxes. I didn’t even mean to. But there it was. I gasped. Still can’t believe it. Actually now that I think about it, music stopped then too. I just didn’t notice. I was so surprised.

These moments today, was a new beginning. Self awareness, closure w the past, in silence, no music, no people, no need for anything but me saying “ah I get it”. This is the reason I have lived in OC being miserable for 3 years. I would never have found myself in LA with people around 24/7. I had no choice living here. Taking more hurt and fighting for who I am on my own changed it.

A pretty powerful moment. I think I’m ready. I think I’m ready for that new chapter in life.